yeah… it’s been a rough couple of months…but God is STILL on the throne!

i don’t want to belabor the “stuff”, but in a quick synopsis, 6 weeks ago, lexi (our dog-child) had to have emergency surgery and had to have another one about 3 weeks ago… the day after her second surger, 2 of my 3 grandmothers went into medical crises, and the next morning, the 3rd one woke up in glory.

those of you who have known me realize that when i face stuff like this I usually hole up and isolate myself from the world… leaning towards entertaining depression and depressed thoughts. that really hasn’t been my mode this time… God’s timing is perfect, and while hurt still hurts, i don’t feel the bitter of the ‘bitter-sweet’ that i usually have to wade through. that said, my response is not/has not been ‘SWEET!’… i just am not bummed.

most of us have a good sense of what happens when our bodies die, or at least have an awareness that we don’t know. i have long since understood that as believers, when our bodies dies, we don’t suffer/hurt anymore and we are that much closer to abiding in His presence for ETERNITY… and i have even been able to celebrate this fact before, but i have also had to battle that inner battle between Truth and feelings. i know they are in heaven, but i feel like they are gone forever (this shows a truly skewed perspective of this temporary plane of existence).

this past year, God has challenged me to grow more in my trusting in what is Truth than what circumstances appear to be or feel like… so as all of this is going on around me, and i feel like i should be sad, i am actually very appreciative of the legacies that each of these matriarchs has already established… what can be seen and what won’t be realized until harvest time.

the 2 big Truths that He has shown me are that (1) generational shifts are a passing of the mantle and (2) as the cloud of witnesses continues to grow, we must recommit to finishing the race.

i have always viewed the “race” as a long marathon, but i am beginning to see that it is more like a combination relay-obstacle course. we all have our particular strengths and face different challenges, and it’s not a beginning to end deal. think about it, if i died today, the race isn’t over for everyone. so there has to be a game-plan… how do WE finish the race?

my grandparents have done a great job of raising, training and equipping their children (and the next 2 generations) to take the mantle of “elders” as they finish the legs of the race that are theirs to run. and i believe that each of them has reached a place where they are confident that their kids are ready for this hand-off… ready to step up their game and finish what their parents started, and their parents before them.

this isn’t just important as i face what’s going on now… that’s all out of my control… but it speaks to tomorrow. one day, I will be in that new generation of elders.

• am i running the ‘race that is set before [me]”?
  i am… but not without the entanglements of self… i am renewing my commitment to lay these aside and run with endurance
• am i preparing those to who carry on my legacy?
  i believe to a degree i am, but there is much to do, yet

"therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. for consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." hebrews 12:1-3 [nas]

WOW... has it been a while, or what?

... and that is exactly what He said... yesterday, that is.

so friday was another "teaching moment" for me... and by that, i mean that God broke out the two-by-four and got my attention, again...

so our cable/internet went out at about 2am friday morning while i was working on compiling my research for a paper due... 13 hours later (some of my 'old student man' had resurfaced). by 3am it was back on, but i was worthless, so i went to bed and got up 2 hours later to start fresh... or as fresh as i can be as a non-morning person at 5am after a 2 hour nap, anyway...

i had to be at work at 8:45 and i only had my reference page and the intro paragraph done... but i had 3 1/2 hours to write 4 pages, so i was going to be fine, right?  work was more challenging than usual (and that is being VERY generous)... i saw myself unrestrain myself, and yet i did not lose control... COMPLETELY God's grace (yes, Daddy... i am FULLY aware that was You and not me!).  it looked like we were going to get out at 1pm (a half hour early)... but i forgot i had supervision... DANGIT!!!  i fully invested in the meeting with my supervisor, and it was good, but instead of getting done 1/2 hour early, i was 1/2 hour late getting done. i don't mind the extra time, it's valuable, but yesterday wasn't the day, y'know?

so, it's 2pm and i have 3 hours to finish my paper and e-mail it.  things go well, i'm making progress on the library's computer and am on track to finish just enough before 5 to save and e-mail it... then i get a pop-up screen that informs me that the computer i am on is going to shut down and reboot in 180 seconds... the time? 4:42pm... so i am going to be 15 minutes short of finishing my paper. so i decide to wait for the computer to reboot and while i am waiting realize that ALL the computers in the library are displaying the new message that they are in "maintenance mode" and the keyboards and mice are disabled... SERIOUSLY???

i gather my research and other "stuff" and head quickly to the department to jump on a computer there to finish it up on time... maybe... at quarter to 5pm on a friday afternoon... during the summer... yeah, the office was locked and nobody was home... so now i am stressing as i recall an e-mail from the professor which indicated that any paper submitted after 5pm would be an "F"... yeah... NOT cool!

i find myself driving home developing new and previously undiscovered expicitives while simultatneously calculating how well i will have to do on the final to keep a "C" (anything lower and i get kicked out of the program... and i only get ONE "C", at that)...

i get home and limit myself to the same 15 minutes i would have had at the library... i finish my paper... not entirely satisfied (certainly not at peace) and e-mail it with an explanation of my day and a plea that i be assigned an "F" and not a "ZERO"... as soon as i mailed it, our internet hiccupped and i could not even verify that it was sent... i had to head up to the church to help jenn and kate get stuff ready for the yardsale today (remember... STILL operating on 2 hours of sleep, and both of them were in about the same boat), so i threw my hands up in defeat (not surrender or even resignation, but an all out, unstipulated 'i give up!' i change clothes and walk out to my truck and open the door... as i was getting in, God showed up...

a dragonfly with colorless wings and a blue/purple tail had landed on the window ledge and was just hangin' out... i had to chuckle... you see, the dragonfly has always been my "rainbow"... the symbol of the covenant that God made with me that He would never leave me or forsake me... and that He was always in control... so i looked at the dragonfly... he (she?) looked back at me... keep in mind that i make children of ALL ages at cry and panic when i look at them, but this dragonfly stared back at me... and i heard God as He gently, yet with authority, said... "WOW... has it been a while, or what?"

so i thanked Him for the circumstances of the day and that He had been with me through each of them and had no plans of leaving... and while He didn't have to ask... i wondered where i had been... i repented and as i drove to church, i actually sang and worshipped with my ipod rather than using it as a soundtrack to my insignificant "driving thoughts"... i was pretty worthless compared to the constant energy (while fully caffeine and adrenaline driven) displayed by jenn and kate... and i got home around midnight.

i checked my e-mail and my professor had replied to let me know he had gotten it... and it was "on time" and not to worry.

once again my dragonfly covenant was manifest bigger than i could have imagined... thank You Daddy... to You be ALL the glory... do You wanna hang out later today? (i really need to sleep right now)

from the back burner...

okay, so i’ve let this one simmer a little…. not in a bad way… sometimes when you throw things into a pot, they just have to simmer on the back burner a while for things to come together, y’know?

a couple of weeks ago, in my conversations with God, He challenged my understanding of repentance… it went something like this-

me: “Daddy, i messed up again.  please forgive me”

God:  “you’re welcome”

me: {silence with a really puzzled look}

God: “what is repentance?”

me: “turning away from my sin, right?”

God: “what do YOU think?”

me: “DANGIT!!!”

me: (internally) “why can’t He just tell me what He wants to tell me?”

God: (out loud) “because it’s more fun this way…”

okay, so i took a little literary license, but this was my conclusion, i get really frustrated with my perpetual sin-focus (whether committing sin, repenting of it or beating myself up over it even after i repent)… and i realized that unlike everything else i have grown to understand, i wasn’t looking at God in the area of sin… sure, i trust that He has forgiven me, but i keep watching it… kinda like watching the trash you take to the curb to make sure that the garbage truck picks it up and doesn’t drop anything… and what God was showing me was that He had ALREADY picked it up… in all of this i heard a simple quiet prompting to look at Him.

me: “okay, God… done!  i am looking at You, and You have my undivided attention."

God: “good.  do you know how much I Love you?”

me: “i have an idea, but You manage to show me more and more every day.”

God: “do you know that I have already paid the price for all of your sin?me: “sure, i get that”

God: “then simply thank Me for forgiving you”

me: “of COURSE!!! thank You, Daddy.  i really appreciate Your grace and forgiveness!”

God: “you are welcome… have you noticed anything?”

me: “ummmm… i give up, have  i noticed anything?”

God: {chuckling… at or with me, i’m not entirely sure} “where is your sin?”

me: “hmmmm… i don’t see it, so i guess that means it’s behind me?”

God: “and did you actively turn away from your sin?”

me: “no… i actively turned toward You… turning away from sin just kinda happened”

God: “and this is your act of repentance.”

POW!!!  did you get that?  when we actively turn towards God, we automatically turn away from our sin!!!

it dawns on me that what i have been calling ‘repentance’ all of these years is, actually, ‘confession’… we can confess of our sin while we’re still sitting in it or looking at it.   confession is good… in fact, we are instructed to confess our sins, but confession is NOT repentance…  repentance is turning from our sin, we don’t even have to ask for forgiveness to repent… so groveling is definitely unnecessary… and ruminating is WAY out!!!  the whole “dear God, please forgive me for _______” prayer can very easily become a check-the-box thing, completely empty and ritualistic… but when we turn to face and thank God, this is our sincere repentance.

this distinction is HUGE for me!  repentance, i now realize, is not about the obligatory “i did it again” or going to God beaten and self-defeated by our inadequacies… what it IS about is worshipping God in light of His grace and the forgiveness we already have!

guess what... i don't HAVE to have all the answers!!!

okay, so i want to be a counselor… that is the desire of my heart, even though that was not the picture i had of my desire early on… it has come clearly into focus that this is the next step.  i have quit my job and embarked in grad school and had a stellar first semester.  this semester i am taking a class about basing interviewing/counseling… keep in mind i have 20 years of lay-youth ministry under my belt and nearly 7 years of working in mental health to draw from… we turned in our first video and i was given the following feedback:

“don’t be so directive, help your client find their own conclusion and decision.”

good feedback… but let me tell you that as a merciful prophet (i took the “test” twice!), it is really hard to know the “right” answer and “let” people “miss it” several times before they “get it right”.  of course i saw the flaw in my thinking, but i did not know if i could change that aspect in how i talk with people…

then i heard an amazing life story from jason upton… he shared how his then his son and his nephew were in the back seat of his car and they were discussing the deity of Jesus… (note that his nephew has a father who is muslim) and his son was trying to establish that Jesus is, in fact, God… he reached the point when he elicited his dad’s help, “tell him, dad!”

jason then shifted the story to reveal his thoughts and heart… he could support his son and proclaim the Truth… which would show a great disrespect for his nephew’s family, and likely eliminating (at the very least, minimizing) opportunities to SHOW God’s Love in future… or he could speak Truth that includes the Love that God is all about… his answer was simple… “of course i believe that Jesus is God… and i know that you believe that Jesus is God… but it is okay for [nephew] not to believe that…”

WHAT????  it’s actually okay NOT to have all the answers??? or if you HAVE the answer, not to share it completely??? jason explained that it is his [our] responsibility to be the Love of God… to see God in each and every moment… and to help others discover for THEMSELVES where God is in their “now”… HOW RIDICULOUSLY SIMPLE!!!

so how does this apply to my counseling technique?  simple… i no longer see my role as the source of answers… or wisdom or anything else… i see myself as a being along for the ride and having the privilege of experiencing how God shows up in their “now”… how do i do that?  is ask questions instead of giving answers… and in the questions, i don’t lead them in the direction of the “kenn” answer… i leave the path completely open so they choose their own course and explore their surroundings for themselves… (what am i, a back street driver?)

the proof that this actually shifted my perspective, my professor’s review of my last practice session (wednesday) not only did she note that i did not use leading questions, she actually said she had no recommendations for improvement (God… can i just tell the world how awesome you are?!!)

to those of you whom i have lead or given unwanted/unsolicited advice or counsel… i apologize… if it rings true and spurs conviction… well, that part you’ll have to take up with God

[wink!]

Currently Still Dancin see related

about touching God and "face" time...

did you ever notice how a bible story you have heard all of your life can one day in your late 30’s (okay you young bucks… IMAGINE, okay?) show you something you have always missed before?  consider the woman with the issue of blood (matt. 9:20-22; mark 5:25-34; luke 8:43-48)… i had always heard that this woman had “so much faith that she just needed to touch His hem to be healed.”  this, of course, is true, but there is more.  she was AFRAID to face Him… she wasn’t being noble by not bothering Him, she didn’t feel she was worthy to TALK to Him.

most of the folks that exercised faith to get to Jesus focused on getting to SEE Him… not to touch Him… they waited for Him to touch them… or they realized that He didn’t even HAVE to touch them to be healed… think about it.

so, what does this mean for me?  it means that i have only learned PART the Truth about Jesus (surprise there).  for half of my life, i thought there was something special about going to the altar to meet Jesus… there was healing there, Jesus was there, it was “holy ground”… about 14 years ago, i began to understand that i didn’t need to go “down front” to encounter God… i could crawl right up in His lap and hold and be held by Him right where i was (in the pews… in my car… at home…).  this is good.  this is VERY good. but it’s not the whole story.

i realize that i have been touching His hem… but avoiding eye contact with Him… whether i am curled up in His lap or walking side-by-side with Him… i am being a "man"… not His child… do you know what i mean by that?  i realize the significance of that moment and His desire for relationship and intimacy… but i give Him contact and presence… i will get in His presence… i will even hold His hand or crawl in His lap… but i will COMPLETELY avoid eye-contact.  i won’t look Him in the face.  (are you with me, "men"?)  i begin to understand that if i can keep from looking Him in the face, then i am fooling myself into thinking that He doesn’t see me… the He really doesn’t SEE me with all my junk and all my shortcomings… and all my {gulp} sin.

it’s silly, right?  but it’s SOOO real to me… i am that woman… i KNOW that i will be whole if i just touch His hem… and i will go through GREAT lengths to get in His presence and do just that... but i will take even MORE effore to avoid eye-contact.  the Truth is that He already KNOWS my stuff… but even that is not the WHOLE Truth… the rest of the Truth is that it’s already paid for.  by His grace, it’s not even there to SEE anymore… i don’t HAVE “an issue of blood” or a “hemorrhage” any more… so i AM whole… and not only do i not have a REASON to avoid that face time… but each time i have touched Him… He KNEW… and He wanted to redeem that moment and have face time with me… but unlike this woman who confessed everything... i kept moving. i want that to change... and so does He!

Daddy, there are not enough words to completely tell You how much You mean to me… and how i realize just how patient You have been (and continue to be) with me.  and i am grateful that You already know.  i LOVE You, and as much as i want to touch You more… i want to FACE You more!  when i try to sneak in unnoticed, call me out like you did this woman… knowing full well who touched you asked “who touched Me?”… and like this woman, let me confess that it was me… tell You why and look you in the face.  Daddy, i am still just learning what it means to be Your son… but EVERYTHING i am learning is sooo much more than i could ever understand without such an incredible and amazing Daddy.  thank You.

-so be it!