kinn2him's Xanga

WOW... has it been a while, or what?

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 13:40:14 GMT

... and that is exactly what He said... yesterday, that is.

so friday was another "teaching moment" for me... and by that, i mean that God broke out the two-by-four and got my attention, again...

so our cable/internet went out at about 2am friday morning while i was working on compiling my research for a paper due... 13 hours later (some of my 'old student man' had resurfaced). by 3am it was back on, but i was worthless, so i went to bed and got up 2 hours later to start fresh... or as fresh as i can be as a non-morning person at 5am after a 2 hour nap, anyway...

i had to be at work at 8:45 and i only had my reference page and the intro paragraph done... but i had 3 1/2 hours to write 4 pages, so i was going to be fine, right? work was more challenging than usual (and that is being VERY generous)... i saw myself unrestrain myself, and yet i did not lose control... COMPLETELY God's grace (yes, Daddy... i am FULLY aware that was You and not me!). it looked like we were going to get out at 1pm (a half hour early)... but i forgot i had supervision... DANGIT!!! i fully invested in the meeting with my supervisor, and it was good, but instead of getting done 1/2 hour early, i was 1/2 hour late getting done. i don't mind the extra time, it's valuable, but yesterday wasn't the day, y'know?

so, it's 2pm and i have 3 hours to finish my paper and e-mail it. things go well, i'm making progress on the library's computer and am on track to finish just enough before 5 to save and e-mail it... then i get a pop-up screen that informs me that the computer i am on is going to shut down and reboot in 180 seconds... the time? 4:42pm... so i am going to be 15 minutes short of finishing my paper. so i decide to wait for the computer to reboot and while i am waiting realize that ALL the computers in the library are displaying the new message that they are in "maintenance mode" and the keyboards and mice are disabled... SERIOUSLY???

i gather my research and other "stuff" and head quickly to the department to jump on a computer there to finish it up on time... maybe... at quarter to 5pm on a friday afternoon... during the summer... yeah, the office was locked and nobody was home... so now i am stressing as i recall an e-mail from the professor which indicated that any paper submitted after 5pm would be an "F"... yeah... NOT cool!

i find myself driving home developing new and previously undiscovered expicitives while simultatneously calculating how well i will have to do on the final to keep a "C" (anything lower and i get kicked out of the program... and i only get ONE "C", at that)...

i get home and limit myself to the same 15 minutes i would have had at the library... i finish my paper... not entirely satisfied (certainly not at peace) and e-mail it with an explanation of my day and a plea that i be assigned an "F" and not a "ZERO"... as soon as i mailed it, our internet hiccupped and i could not even verify that it was sent... i had to head up to the church to help jenn and kate get stuff ready for the yardsale today (remember... STILL operating on 2 hours of sleep, and both of them were in about the same boat), so i threw my hands up in defeat (not surrender or even resignation, but an all out, unstipulated 'i give up!' i change clothes and walk out to my truck and open the door... as i was getting in, God showed up...

a dragonfly with colorless wings and a blue/purple tail had landed on the window ledge and was just hangin' out... i had to chuckle... you see, the dragonfly has always been my "rainbow"... the symbol of the covenant that God made with me that He would never leave me or forsake me... and that He was always in control... so i looked at the dragonfly... he (she?) looked back at me... keep in mind that i make children of ALL ages at cry and panic when i look at them, but this dragonfly stared back at me... and i heard God as He gently, yet with authority, said... "WOW... has it been a while, or what?"

so i thanked Him for the circumstances of the day and that He had been with me through each of them and had no plans of leaving... and while He didn't have to ask... i wondered where i had been... i repented and as i drove to church, i actually sang and worshipped with my ipod rather than using it as a soundtrack to my insignificant "driving thoughts"... i was pretty worthless compared to the constant energy (while fully caffeine and adrenaline driven) displayed by jenn and kate... and i got home around midnight.

i checked my e-mail and my professor had replied to let me know he had gotten it... and it was "on time" and not to worry.

once again my dragonfly covenant was manifest bigger than i could have imagined... thank You Daddy... to You be ALL the glory... do You wanna hang out later today? (i really need to sleep right now)

from the back burner...

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 21:58:08 GMT

okay, so i’ve let this one simmer a little…. not in a bad way… sometimes when you throw things into a pot, they just have to simmer on the back burner a while for things to come together, y’know?

a couple of weeks ago, in my conversations with God, He challenged my understanding of repentance… it went something like this-

me: “Daddy, i messed up again. please forgive me”
God: “you’re welcome”
me: {silence with a really puzzled look}
God: “what is repentance?”
me: “turning away from my sin, right?”
God: “what do YOU think?”
me: “DANGIT!!!”
me: (internally) “why can’t He just tell me what He wants to tell me?”
God: (out loud) “because it’s more fun this way…”

okay, so i took a little literary license, but this was my conclusion, i get really frustrated with my perpetual sin-focus (whether committing sin, repenting of it or beating myself up over it even after i repent)… and i realized that unlike everything else i have grown to understand, i wasn’t looking at God in the area of sin… sure, i trust that He has forgiven me, but i keep watching it… kinda like watching the trash you take to the curb to make sure that the garbage truck picks it up and doesn’t drop anything… and what God was showing me was that He had ALREADY picked it up… in all of this i heard a simple quiet prompting to look at Him.

me: “okay, God… done! i am looking at You, and You have my undivided attention."
God: “good. do you know how much I Love you?”
me: “i have an idea, but You manage to show me more and more every day.”
God: “do you know that I have already paid the price for all of your sin?me: “sure, i get that”
God: “then simply thank Me for forgiving you”
me: “of COURSE!!! thank You, Daddy. i really appreciate Your grace and forgiveness!”
God: “you are welcome… have you noticed anything?”
me: “ummmm… i give up, have i noticed anything?”
God: {chuckling… at or with me, i’m not entirely sure} “where is your sin?”
me: “hmmmm… i don’t see it, so i guess that means it’s behind me?”
God: “and did you actively turn away from your sin?”
me: “no… i actively turned toward You… turning away from sin just kinda happened”
God: “and this is your act of repentance.”

POW!!! did you get that? when we actively turn towards God, we automatically turn away from our sin!!!

it dawns on me that what i have been calling ‘repentance’ all of these years is, actually, ‘confession’… we can confess of our sin while we’re still sitting in it or looking at it. confession is good… in fact, we are instructed to confess our sins, but confession is NOT repentance… repentance is turning from our sin, we don’t even have to ask for forgiveness to repent… so groveling is definitely unnecessary… and ruminating is WAY out!!! the whole “dear God, please forgive me for _______” prayer can very easily become a check-the-box thing, completely empty and ritualistic… but when we turn to face and thank God, this is our sincere repentance.

this distinction is HUGE for me! repentance, i now realize, is not about the obligatory “i did it again” or going to God beaten and self-defeated by our inadequacies… what it IS about is worshipping God in light of His grace and the forgiveness we already have!

guess what... i don't HAVE to have all the answers!!!

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 03:08:26 GMT

okay, so i want to be a counselor… that is the desire of my heart, even though that was not the picture i had of my desire early on… it has come clearly into focus that this is the next step. i have quit my job and embarked in grad school and had a stellar first semester. this semester i am taking a class about basing interviewing/counseling… keep in mind i have 20 years of lay-youth ministry under my belt and nearly 7 years of working in mental health to draw from… we turned in our first video and i was given the following feedback:

“don’t be so directive, help your client find their own conclusion and decision.”

good feedback… but let me tell you that as a merciful prophet (i took the “test” twice!), it is really hard to know the “right” answer and “let” people “miss it” several times before they “get it right”. of course i saw the flaw in my thinking, but i did not know if i could change that aspect in how i talk with people…

then i heard an amazing life story from jason upton… he shared how his then his son and his nephew were in the back seat of his car and they were discussing the deity of Jesus… (note that his nephew has a father who is muslim) and his son was trying to establish that Jesus is, in fact, God… he reached the point when he elicited his dad’s help, “tell him, dad!”

jason then shifted the story to reveal his thoughts and heart… he could support his son and proclaim the Truth… which would show a great disrespect for his nephew’s family, and likely eliminating (at the very least, minimizing) opportunities to SHOW God’s Love in future… or he could speak Truth that includes the Love that God is all about… his answer was simple… “of course i believe that Jesus is God… and i know that you believe that Jesus is God… but it is okay for [nephew] not to believe that…”

WHAT???? it’s actually okay NOT to have all the answers??? or if you HAVE the answer, not to share it completely??? jason explained that it is his [our] responsibility to be the Love of God… to see God in each and every moment… and to help others discover for THEMSELVES where God is in their “now”… HOW RIDICULOUSLY SIMPLE!!!

so how does this apply to my counseling technique? simple… i no longer see my role as the source of answers… or wisdom or anything else… i see myself as a being along for the ride and having the privilege of experiencing how God shows up in their “now”… how do i do that? is ask questions instead of giving answers… and in the questions, i don’t lead them in the direction of the “kenn” answer… i leave the path completely open so they choose their own course and explore their surroundings for themselves… (what am i, a back street driver?)

the proof that this actually shifted my perspective, my professor’s review of my last practice session (wednesday) not only did she note that i did not use leading questions, she actually said she had no recommendations for improvement (God… can i just tell the world how awesome you are?!!)

to those of you whom i have lead or given unwanted/unsolicited advice or counsel… i apologize… if it rings true and spurs conviction… well, that part you’ll have to take up with God

[wink!]

about touching God and "face" time...

Sat, 07 Feb 2009 18:46:52 GMT

did you ever notice how a bible story you have heard all of your life can one day in your late 30’s (okay you young bucks… IMAGINE, okay?) show you something you have always missed before? consider the woman with the issue of blood (matt. 9:20-22; mark 5:25-34; luke 8:43-48)… i had always heard that this woman had “so much faith that she just needed to touch His hem to be healed.” this, of course, is true, but there is more. she was AFRAID to face Him… she wasn’t being noble by not bothering Him, she didn’t feel she was worthy to TALK to Him.

most of the folks that exercised faith to get to Jesus focused on getting to SEE Him… not to touch Him… they waited for Him to touch them… or they realized that He didn’t even HAVE to touch them to be healed… think about it.

so, what does this mean for me? it means that i have only learned PART the Truth about Jesus (surprise there). for half of my life, i thought there was something special about going to the altar to meet Jesus… there was healing there, Jesus was there, it was “holy ground”… about 14 years ago, i began to understand that i didn’t need to go “down front” to encounter God… i could crawl right up in His lap and hold and be held by Him right where i was (in the pews… in my car… at home…). this is good. this is VERY good. but it’s not the whole story.

i realize that i have been touching His hem… but avoiding eye contact with Him… whether i am curled up in His lap or walking side-by-side with Him… i am being a "man"… not His child… do you know what i mean by that? i realize the significance of that moment and His desire for relationship and intimacy… but i give Him contact and presence… i will get in His presence… i will even hold His hand or crawl in His lap… but i will COMPLETELY avoid eye-contact. i won’t look Him in the face. (are you with me, "men"?) i begin to understand that if i can keep from looking Him in the face, then i am fooling myself into thinking that He doesn’t see me… the He really doesn’t SEE me with all my junk and all my shortcomings… and all my {gulp} sin.

it’s silly, right? but it’s SOOO real to me… i am that woman… i KNOW that i will be whole if i just touch His hem… and i will go through GREAT lengths to get in His presence and do just that... but i will take even MORE effore to avoid eye-contact. the Truth is that He already KNOWS my stuff… but even that is not the WHOLE Truth… the rest of the Truth is that it’s already paid for. by His grace, it’s not even there to SEE anymore… i don’t HAVE “an issue of blood” or a “hemorrhage” any more… so i AM whole… and not only do i not have a REASON to avoid that face time… but each time i have touched Him… He KNEW… and He wanted to redeem that moment and have face time with me… but unlike this woman who confessed everything... i kept moving. i want that to change... and so does He!

Daddy, there are not enough words to completely tell You how much You mean to me… and how i realize just how patient You have been (and continue to be) with me. and i am grateful that You already know. i LOVE You, and as much as i want to touch You more… i want to FACE You more! when i try to sneak in unnoticed, call me out like you did this woman… knowing full well who touched you asked “who touched Me?”… and like this woman, let me confess that it was me… tell You why and look you in the face. Daddy, i am still just learning what it means to be Your son… but EVERYTHING i am learning is sooo much more than i could ever understand without such an incredible and amazing Daddy. thank You.

-so be it!

'cracked pots' make for cool stories, but....

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 04:30:57 GMT

“you, my people, have sinned in two ways-- you have rejected me, the source of life-giving water, and you've tried to collect water in cracked and leaking pits dug in the ground.” jer. 2:12-13 [cev]

how’s that for an uplifting message at the beginning of a new year? there is a positive here, i’ve never been known as a ‘doom and gloom’ kinda guy, but you and i both know that the Bible is not a ‘feel good’ book all the way through, is it? this verse is awesome and certainly isn’t the stuff of the hallmark channel or Christmas specials… but as a friend and brother of mine (matt norman) cited this verse in the context of submitting to God’s discipline and our responsibility in this relationship (a word that, by definition, is at least a 2-way street), it provoked me… let’s check it out (let me warn you that he also sends me back to the ‘longer than most people want to read’ posts):

in this verse, jeremiah is reporting what God told him about israel and how, as a nation, they had become complacent towards (if not outright rebellious against) the same God Who had delivered, guided and provided (to overflow) for them… but it also identifies that there is more evil that simply forsaking Him (ignoring the Fountain of living water)… it highlights the fact that we are also to be vessels that can hold that living water…

what does that mean for us today? we know that we are saved by Grace and our faith in Jesus (john 3:16, ephesians 2:8, among others)… but there is the often debated ‘faith without works is dead’ argument from the passage in james 2:17 and 26. i propose that we are saved from our sin to a restored relationship with our Loving Father and the very Fountain of living water… but that our purpose is GREATER than JUST having that relationship for ourselves… but that we are to be vessels ABLE (i.e. not broken or cracked… no leaks… and NOT buried in the ground) to hold, carry and deliver that water to others that they may also realize restored relationship with God.

how do we obtain/maintain the ability to carry that water? paul urges us to present our bodies as living and holy sacrifices (rom. 12:1), “and do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.” (v. 2)

we can settle for being saved from immanent self-destruction and eternal damnation to restored relationship with God… but He considers it an “evil” to not be a vessel for His living water… so let’s kick it up a notch this year, starting today.

Daddy, You have done so much for us that we certainly do not deserve and can never begin to repay. forgive me for my pride and complacence in simply being saved from my sin or even saved unto You… repair this broken vessel so that i am able to hold Your living water and rekindle that fire, sending me where you will to pour it out on those around me. thank You that it is only by Your grace that i can BE saved… or even BE that usable vessel. for Your Glory, alone. so be it!

unforgotten... is what you are...

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 18:19:59 GMT

but zion said, "the LORD has forsaken me, and the Lord has forgotten me."

"can a woman forget her nursing child and have no compassion on the son of her womb? even these may forget, but I will not forget you. behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands; your walls are continually before Me.” isaiah 49:14-16 [nas]

do you ever feel like God has forgotten you? i know that this is a dialogue between zion and God, but it is equally his heart for you and me. He doesn’t forget us… He doesn’t leave us alone… in fact, our names are inscribed on the palms of His hands… they were written there with the nails that held Him to the cross.

no matter what the circumstances, no matter how rotten this year has been or how bleak the outlook for next year may seem… He hasn’t forgotten you. this doesn’t mean that we should smile and say that everything is okay when it’s not, but it DOES mean that we should realize that even when it’s NOT okay… He remembers us… He has compassion for us.

if our ‘walls’ (which are really of no consequence to Him) are continually before Him, the we should shift our focus to recognize that He (Who is of HUGE consequence to us) is continually before us… and that He never forgets us!

Daddy, as we face the rest of this day and the ones to come, help us to realize that You never forsake us… You never forget us… and help us to turn our eyes to You so that we are not swayed from knowing this by our circumstances or emotions. thank You for all that You ‘Am’, and that part of that is the unforgetting Father. all for Your glory. so be it!

POWER WORD – december 22

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 03:00:44 GMT

"so then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. and do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord; always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father;” Ephesians 5:17-20 [nas]

sooo… how well do i understand what the will of the Lord is? well enough to be confident that i am not being foolish? probably not. the fact is that while i may know a lot about the will of God, i don’t even pretend to know it its fullness. i can also tell you that this time of year i do not always speak to others ‘in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs’… can you relate?

first, it’s the traffic… “why do people seem to get stupider this time of year?” hmmm… that’s not psalmish, is it? (let me tell you that those aren’t exactly the words that make it to my lips, either!) then it’s the shopping lines… even to buy groceries… let me just stipulate that hymns don’t come to my mind in those lines… finally, it’s the whole chaotic mess that Christmas has become… “how is it that we think that family, food, presents, some fat man in a red suit and special church services genuinely celebrate the birth of Jesus?” this one sounds a lot more spiritual, but i can tell you that metaphorically speaking, i would not have just turned the money changers’ tables over… i would have called down lightning to strike the money changers themselves… so, right and true observation, certainly NOT speaking with “spiritual songs”)…

i have an incredible sense of ‘scroogism’ this year that i have never felt before… i think that part of it is that i have reentered life in pursuit of the vision and dream that God has given me, and i am no longer numbed by the daily grind… whatever the reason, i MUST overcome this ‘foolishness’… not what’s going on around me, but my response to it all.

whether you are as jaded by the ‘stuff, overwhelmed with the hustle and bustle or completely unaware of anything beyond the ‘same ol same ol’… i think we can agree that there is some foolishness in each of our lives. so let’s commit to 2 things:
1-to continue to pursue understanding of God’s will
2-to be pro-active and deliberate in our efforts to both walk in that understanding and to give thanks in all things.

God, please forgive me for losing sight of the purpose You have for all of us... to Love, to be Loved and to fellowship with You. i have been distracted by the 'stuff', by others and by the temporary reality of this life on earth. help me to be mindful of Your understanding and to know it deeper, myself. and for everything... the good, the bad and even the inconvenient, i give You thanks. help us all to remember the Love that You showed through the birth, the Life, the death and the resurrection of Your Son... and tell Him happy birthday for me. so be it!

my first real product endorsement:

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 19:51:09 GMT

i am not one to do a whole lot of product or company endorsements, because most that i have found are only "good intended" or sponsoring God "stuff". check out the latest from interestate batteries and ask yourself how many internationally marketed products ever sponsor God, Himself:

http://www.interstatebatteries.com/godslove/

be blessed and be Loved,

kenn

in everything give thanks... always...

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 21:17:33 GMT

“rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 thessalonians 5:16-18 [nas]

i have to say that thanksgiving is my favorite of all holidays… i don’t “hate” Christmas or easter, but i believe that the meaning of each has been diluted and lost in many cases… and the cool thing about thanksgiving is that we celebrate (… and give thanks) for both Christ’s birth and resurrection!

the biggest frustration for me around most celebrations or significant events is that often they become mountain top experiences and the impact they have on us dwindles… until the next time. and the truth is, this frustration is with myself… i can’t get frustrated with others without examining myself (that whole others’ speck and my own beam/log thing)…

i wanted this year to be different, so as i was finding a passage that would be the Truth i will stand on, i found a commonly referenced passage and saw it in a new light. i have heard “in everything give thanks” and have tried to do that… but looking at the larger passage, it’s can be expanded to mean “in everything” , “always” AND “without ceasing”…

i’m not trying to add to scripture or create a new “commandment”, it’s just that as i read it this time, there is a bigger expectation that i had ever tried to walk out before… so i am committing to rejoice, pray AND give thanks always, without ceasing AND in everything… because i fully believe that “this is God’s will for [me] in Christ Jesus.”

“i thank my God always, making mention of you in my prayers, because i hear of your love and of the faith which you have toward the Lord Jesus and toward all the saints; and i pray that the fellowship of your faith may [continue to] become effective through the knowledge of every good thing which is in you for Christ's sake. for i have come to have much joy and comfort in your love, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you, brother.” philemon 1:4-7 [nas]

our current condition... as the Church

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 17:02:26 GMT

most people who know me know that while i wholly invest in the political process, i think that many choices we are given at the public level are positioned to answer the wrong questions... so let me start by saying that while i did not vote for obama, i don't know if we are really in any worse shape with him than with mccain (or anyone else). at the governmental level, sure i have some concerns, but i would have had some concerns either way. this, however, is not my main point today.

i keep hearing how "ungodly" it is to vote for an administration that is “pro-abortion”, promotes a socialist economic system (i.e. welfare and public healthcare), so i have a few questions that i think are being overlooked:

on welfare: is it any more ungodly to vote this way than for the church, as a whole, to drop the ball on taking care of the poor, widowed and orphaned? i'll leave that one to stand on its own...

on healthcare: is it any more ungodly that the church, as a whole, does little to address the health (the restoration) of the whole person on a regular basis? many churches will get involved in the catastrophic physical and maybe even emotional/mental health situations, but what is being done to teach the body (let alone the world) that thanks to the lashes that Christ bore for us, restored whole-ness (physical, emotional, relational, financial) is ours?

on abortion: is it any more ungodly that the church tends to be more adamant in its concern for the sanctity of unborn lives than the concern for the eternal consequences of those living unsanctified lives? and let me state clearly that i don't think that either of these are necessarily indicative of the other... i refer to my previous posts and statements that no single sin is greater than another... ALL sin, from the "little white lie" to the atrocity of genocide separate us COMPLETELY from God and require the SAME grace offered through the Blood of Christ to restore the access we have to a personal relationship with God.

now, i am not making a statement on the condition our political condition, but on the condition of our church as it has shirked its responsibility to make disciples (i.e. followers, students) of ALL nations (including this one) and on the distraction to the church's shortfalls that our current political condition continues to be.

so what are the right questions? try these: God, as we ask for and receive Your forgiveness, what is it that we should be doing now? can we make it right?... is it too late?